I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
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I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.