I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
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So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,