[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
You Might Also Like
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
This is not me but this is me
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”