I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
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If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim