A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
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I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
584.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.