The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
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BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
#dalle2
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.