@sween: I can't imagine how stressed Americans are feeling right now. I'm Canadian and I'm chugging maple syrup and just punched a moose.
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@mrtruthandsoul: I'm always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
@bridger_w: Guy in the dressing room next to mine: "I don't want to get blood on these pants." I want to reply, "Then stay out of my way on the catwalk"
@freypalm: Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back. Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
@knot_eye: I often wondered what it'd be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.