I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
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“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Breaking news:
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.