I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
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*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Don’t touch that.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
*seductively eats two tums*
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.