I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
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Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
just pretend nothing happened
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Autocorrect is my menesis
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”