I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
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I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.