Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
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[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Still my favourite meme.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.