Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
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Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
A new level of troll.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!