@nedostup: I can't stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can't take it.
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@phranqueigh: "You're not like the other girls." "Yeah, that's pretty much how this works. We're literally all different ones."
@FilthyRichmond: Fox News reports that President Obama rapped his oath in Arabic while cutting the head off a goat.
@Ivsy01: Him: You'll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.