I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
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Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it