@nedostup: I can't stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can't take it.
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@TheAlexNevil: Death: I've come for you. Me: That's what she said. D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
@TheRobCee: Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
@OleThickHawk: My wife came into my room at the ER and started unplugging stuff and flipping switches until she realized that I had just sprained my ankle.