-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
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So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon