I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
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To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Saturday
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.