sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
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[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”