I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
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My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
こいつ天才
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.