I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
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Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Who does Amazon think I am?
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk