I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
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Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.