@J_Illunninati: I can't wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
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@leslid79: I wear my heart on my sleeve because if I wore it on my chest, it'd just get mustard stains on it.
@rpbateman: This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote "sexy" on all of his wife's friends' pics.
@ClaytonSykes: Barber pointed out my new gray hairs and said I looked refined. I hope someone tells him the key marks on his car looks like racing stripes.
@thepunningman: Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can't live on salad, Eleanor