@J_Illunninati: I can't wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
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@Angibangie: -If I'm wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle. McDonald's worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries...
@ShutUpThatsWho: Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire. Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I'm putting the fires out.
@LaziestCanine: Murderer: IM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU Me: wow your hands are so soft Murderer: omg really Me: [caresses his hands] what moisturizer do you use