I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
lost dog
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall