I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
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every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale