I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
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Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Flowers bee like
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
what does he know…
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.