I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
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I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order