“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
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The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”