“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
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Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.