“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
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Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
I put the mess in domestic.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?