I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
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Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.