Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
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CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.