I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
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Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
what’s the point then??
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.