I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
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“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?