@Wtftab: I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
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@iCumBl00d: Why do they hand out Kleenex at funerals if you're not supposed to jerk off in the back row
@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: "Give me your wallet and watch." *hand over my wallet* Me: "Okay, I'm watching."
@krissywillbretz: [god creating raccoons] Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands? God: hand me those cats.