@Wtftab: I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
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@Underchilde: A man’s got to know his limitations. Unless he’s in a relationship, then he’ll be constantly reminded.
@ShesARealGenius: On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
@Mikestanley1: [pulls up after first date] Me: well, this is my place Her: a bouncy house? Me: you expected a bouncy castle? IM SORRY "YOUR MAJESTY."