@Wtftab: I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
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@KenJennings: Landlocked countries with beach volleyball teams: who do you think you're fooling?
@sarahyehia82: Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
@AnOrangeSNES: *Hands girl a card that says Be Mine* Girl: Aw that's so sweet *Pulls out a pickaxe* Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
@JosesLovesYou: Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"