I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
You Might Also Like
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Oh. My. God.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.