@onion_an: Therapist: What's the problem? Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things Me [petting a bee]: You're not strange are you Alan

@underchilde: Sometimes I worry my girlfriend will get kidnapped and that reporters will want to talk to me and I won’t be wearing designer jeans.

@Lisa_Laughs_: We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

@ericsshadow: ME: I play for the Philadelphia Eagles. HER: What position do u play? ME: I'm a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.

@TheMichaelRock: *leaves one cupcake in work kitchen* *watches live version of Hunger Games*