According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
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Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.