@yonewt: God I'm so stupid I was looking all over for my car keys, turns out they were on my head the entire time.

@TheHyyyype: ME: how old is your son? WOMAN WHO STILL CAN'T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

@EddieHarris216: *steals a Lexus on Christmas Eve * *parks it in a random driveway with a giant bow on top*

@treadmilld: Someone just honked their horn to get me out of my parking space quicker so now we will both be here until we're dead.

@JennyJohnsonHi5: Sorry, but your kids don't look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.