Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
You Might Also Like
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Put a ring on it
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Geez man, take it easy.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?