i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
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We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I’m not lazy
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.