My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
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“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before