I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
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Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
groan^2
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*