“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
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Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I finally found a reason to live again.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
what’s really going on
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Awwwww shit.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?