I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
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At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch