I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
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Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
This came to me in a dream.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.