I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
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Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
this makes me so uncomfortable
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*