I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them