obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
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Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
bury ourselves
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
My Sentiments Exactly
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.