I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
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Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
#dalle2
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
😂😂
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?