I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
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Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
My favorite female superhero
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point