“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
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Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man