I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
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Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Happy birthday to all the women
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”