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KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
i hate you platonically
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
The USS B port