Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
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(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
is this meant to deter me
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.