I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
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I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
no regrets
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.