I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
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The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless